Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
