Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
