Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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