i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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