Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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