turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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