The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
