R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Houston, we have a squirter
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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