I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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