Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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