I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Bring me that man meat
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
