mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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