i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
