Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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