then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
This couple is walking their pig around campus
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
