Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."