Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.