My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
nutella sex= disaster
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
