So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
