We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
