I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
