he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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