i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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