Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I got inside last night via doggy door
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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