who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
