when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
