You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
