I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
