Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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