Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
