I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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