I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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