You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
