Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
