dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
babies were throwing up all over the place
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
