I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
