I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
