everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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