A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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