I wish life had little blips of pornography
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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