my phone needs a breathalizer
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
