My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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