so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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