I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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