hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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