It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
