You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
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I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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