We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
