I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
