The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
