they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
