Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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