Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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