Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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