i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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