He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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