I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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