and next time when you feel me up, do it right
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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