i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
