There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
