my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
