Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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