i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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