I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
