proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
