i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
